Paris is a rustic city, where the pace of life is meandering, slowed down so that Parisians can take time to enjoy the finer things in life. You know red wine, cheese and the like. Wrap up warm if you're planning to go during the winter months. Paris is an overcast, wet and most of all cold city. But dont let the chill put you off - the quality of life in Paris resonates with any culture vulture - giving them a Ready Break glow which acts as an effective antidote to subzero temperatures.

Take the Eurostar to Paris from London. Its as cheap as fifty-nine pounds return. Unbelievable value in contrast to the hyperflating prices of UK intranational travel.

Travelling through the tunnel is like a cross between being on an aeroplane, where you have no idea of how far you've travelled, or where you might be, and of being on a very sikly smooth underground journey. Emerging in France for the first time your intuitive islander mind is never quite sure whether its still in England or you've popped out of the other end. The words SNCF on a post, and then a Franglais cash and carry are enough to allow you to pass the test.

Some people on Eurostar like to try and sleep, but that is almost impossible due to the glaring strip lights that are built into the train's baggage rack. Scarves may be necessary.





The Metropolitaine is a more spacier version of the London underground. The trains are square, the tunnels seem to be much bigger in Paris in London - wide and accomodating two trains - rather than the economic semi-circle shaped ones, which only accomodate one train at a time in London.

Travel tip: If you're just there for one day get a 'mobolis'; if you're there for two or three, you can get a three day travel card from the newspaper kiosk at Guard du Nord, and no doubt other places. The guys at the newspaper kiosk take great pride in not understanding English, nor do they understand hand signals when accompanied in English.

One odd thing about the French underground, is that the doors don't open automatically like in London. Instead you have to flick up a silver handle, which activates an electronic system which slams open the doors. The electronically assisted door opening gives you a false sense of power when opening the doors its quite good fun. In Paris, unlike in London, you can also open the doors and get off the train before it has stopped, which is also quite good fun.







Once you're out and about, there are some classic tourist things to do. One is to head up the Champs D'Elysee and take a tour around the Arc De Triomphe, built by the warmongering Napoleon celebrating all the places he and his army looted and raped. It seems a strange thing to celebrate really, but there you go. The arc is quite interesting to walk inside, and you feel like you're in the centre of Paris once you get to the top. You can also have a go with the telescopes and spy on Frenchmen smoking gitanes, walking around with bread, reading Sartre and having illicit affairs.



Its the atmosphere in the bistros, sophisticated and relaxed which is one of the real treasures of Paris. Each bistro is so inviting and warm that once inside you never want to leave - especially on a cold, wet and windy Parisian afternoon.

The food is an exciting experience too. The French usually have great bread, although a few places can serve you some fairly mangey stuff too. The table red wine is fowl, acidic, and gives you the feeling you're left with when you've been excessively vomiting on a heavy night out. I guess the table wine is for downing with the food, so don't ever try and savour it on its own.

Two of the most interesting dishes to try are tartare, which is raw beef mixed with egg and onions amongst other ingredients. Its like eating a raw beefburger and is truly delicious. Secondly, and rather predictably, snails, which usually look absolutely stunning in their ornate shells, and which comes with what at first looks like a torture kit, consisting of a snail clamp and a particularly long metal claw for rooting the little buggers out. Snails have their own consistency, and some people they are disgusting, but when cooked well with garlic they are sublime. Try em!

And of course let us not forget the The Eiffel Tower which turned out to be one of the most amazing experiences of my life. If you are a lazy bones you can get a couple of lifts which take you right to the top. However its much more fun to walk the first two hundred steps to the top of the base, at which point you have a mid-level view of Paris. A glass lift then takes you up through the top part of the tower - allowing you to see out through the latticed metal structure and over the Parisian night city scape. The ascent is so soft and quiet you feel like you are slowly ascending to heaven. At the top of the tower, some three hundred metres above the earth's surface, you feel as if you could be looking out of an aeroplane. You could easily spend an hour just melting into the view - its just like staring into a fire on a cold winter's night.

Try to visit the tower before the sunsets and you will get to see the whole of Paris under sunlight and moonlight.

Monday to Thursday are good days to avoid the crowds.





















There are tens of African guys, probably illegal immigrants, and a few Asian ones, scattered around Paris, trying to sell replica Eiffel Towers to tourists. Its a sad sight, such a sad pointless job. Why anyone would gain any happiness from buying such a worthless piece of junk from such hapless people in such miserable conditions God only knows. The African guys look really desparate, some of them look genuinely aggrieved and pissed off that life has amounted to such a humiliating position. I feel for them, but am clueless as to what can be done to help - some might say buy an Eiffel Tower.







Something catches the attention of three game old birds in Montmartre. Montmartre can be seen from various parts of Paris, a strange hilly protruberance on an otherwise quite flat landscape. Montmartre has a bohemian tourist honeypot vive to it. There's what approaches Paris' closest approximation to Camden market, a mixture of locals and tourists mingling amongst gift and bargain clothes shops. As you work your way up the hill you come across a selection of boutiques, specialists and art galleries.

Beware of pickpockets. This African bloke tried to use a combination of charm and physical power to engage me in some game he wanted to trick he wanted to show me. 'Double entendre' thought I and I shrugged him off, though I knew that by the strength of his grip, in a more isolated environ it might have been harder.

At the top of the hill is a large white cathedral known as the Sacre Coeur. Go inside and behold its huge ceilings and fine paintings, and if of a religious nature the glory of God manifest in this so magnificent of buildings.

Its quite a walk up to Sacre Coeur and you might well find it in yourself to take a sit down and listen to some of the singing that's done. Its quite beautiful to listen to. There's quite a few Africans about the church - its interesting how Africans seem to be doing more than their fair share of keeping the Christian church going all across western Europe.

Opening the doors of the Sacre Coeur to go back outside, I am greeted by really loud pop music. Secular hedonists worship to the beat of Daft Punk on the steps leading up to the church. One guy in particular dressed in a track suit and scarf is boddy popping to the tunes banging out from his beatbox. His mate, who seems to be stood around to stop anyone from running off with the musical hardware, is rubbing his hands and keeping himself warm.

Beware the bistros in Montmartre - I had one of the worst meals in my life in some bohemian dive with a piano.





There are plenty of museums and galaries, too many for me to mention here, and you can find out about them in any guide book or internet site on the subject. Rodin's sculpture museum contains a good number of his works, some of which are astounding. The house in which the sculptures are kept has this beautiful rustic feel to it - as if trapped in time.

Picasso's museum contains a good variety of pieces of art spanning the length of his career - most of which was dedicated to the French state when Picasso died - on condition that the French state maintain the pieces in good condition for public consumption. One might argue that the museum in reality contains all the stuff that Picasso couldn't manage to shift, although I'm sure there's someone who can provide a powerful counterargument. In any case if its junk, its good junk.

The Palais de Chaillot, which sits across the way from the Eiffel Tower has a marvellous display of church facades, which are themselves over 100 years old, in addition to a contemporary architecture and chuch mural and windows displays. Its all marvellous stuff.

There are countless other museums and galleries like the Louvre and the Musee d'Orsay which is based in an old train station.




And finally it really is worth taking a stroll through Bois de Bologne, a large wood to the west of the city, where, if you go on a Sunday, you can see how jogging crazy the French are. Its a really peaceful place, very pretty, with two lakes containing a couple of islands linked by a bridge. You can even take a boat across the lake to get a cup of coffee on the other side. A perfect antidote to the usual 9-5 hustle and bustle of Paris.





















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